It was late one morning when I jumped on social media and found Amy’s* pain. She was assertively announcing a message of warning to unfollow anyone who continued making ignorant comments about such a sensitive, complex issue as racism is. Having had a private conversation with her on the phone a few weeks before and hearing her current struggle, it really got me thinking about how we deal with people’s pain and suffering.
Tensions in our society have put many people on edge both on and off of social media. Never in my life have I seen so much polarization occurring around the issues of racism and injustice. Racism is wrong, period. While I think many would agree, I’ve witnessed countless situations where people are quick to judge others as part of the trending movements instead of taking time to get to know each individual’s point of view. In our desperate need to simplify our world, it seems easier to categorize people in terms of cultural, religious, or political parties. Perhaps it makes us feel more secure in doing so. However unintentional, defining the person based on one belief they express sets a precedent for assumptions. Instead, we should seek humility and respect another’s individuality by gently approaching others with an earnest interest in their unique beliefs. As our world seems to be vastly changing, we can be certain that human connection is a crucial aspect of healing. Yet, how do we connect with those who seem different from us?
Not too long ago, pastor Kevin McGill wrote a poignant article that included a quote that has become so meaningful to me.
“Nothing that we despise in other men is inherently absent from ourselves. We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or don’t do, and more in the light of what they suffer.” - Dietrich Bonhoeffer (https://gleanernow.com/news/2020/04/benefit-doubt-part-2)
What a concept! Instead of drawing conclusions about others based on their behaviors, we could approach them with an interest in how they suffer. As I heard one social worker and restorative practitioner, Dinah, in an online discussion about healing from racism, she expressed that it’s helpful to approach hurting people within the context of “What’s happened to them?” instead of “What’s wrong with them?” This resonates with me not only as therapist but as a Christian. I truly believe addressing people’s pain and meeting them in their suffering is going to be one of the most powerful tools of evangelism as we get closer to Christ’s soon second coming.
From an outsider’s perspective, Amy may have seemed aggressive in her post. Perhaps she was even judged that way. Many might label her comments as “threatening”, “over the top”, or “narrow-minded”. Regardless of what those assumptions might be of her, the bottom line is that she is feeling angry. She also seems tired, hurt and exasperated from dealing with what seems to be an uphill climb — the grievous battle of fighting racism.
Anger is a tricky emotion.
Many Christians struggle with an understanding of anger. We quote the Bible saying, “do not let the sun go down on your anger”, (Ephesians 4:26) but did you know that there can be a place for anger? There is a righteous indignation God feels when His law is trampled upon which would also include mistreating and abusing others. There are many examples in the Bible that highlight God’s wrath for injustice. See 2 Chronicles 28: 8-14 (Amos 5 and Lamentations 2 are others). Anger is often misjudged among Christians as not Christ-like, but perhaps if we identified what lies underneath anger, we can have a deeper understanding of another’s suffering. Anger is a secondary emotion. Underneath anger is often fear, sadness, or both. Sadness means someone is hurting, someone hurting means they are in pain, and pain equals suffering. Paul Coneff and Lindsey Gendke in Brutally Honest say,
“For many people, their greatest need is to have someone hear and honor their losses. Before they can grow in the Christian walk, they need to talk about their being sinned against and hurt. Telling people to ‘just have more faith,’ ‘put the past in the past,’ ‘you just need to forgive and forget,’ ‘just be positive and think happy thoughts,’ and so on, does a lot of damage. In fact, these clichés tend to add more pain, and often drive people away from God, and away from the church. People who hear these clichés often feel judged and believe church is not a safe place. So they don’t talk about their pain; they cover it up.” p. 44
The authors go on to reference Dan Allender in The Wounded Heart, “The first great enemy to lasting change is the propensity to turn our eyes away from the wound and pretend things are fine. The work of restoration cannot begin until a problem is fully faced…”
Ignorant comments may seem harmless to some. Perhaps the comments came from a well-intentioned soul, but to Amy, they are still hurtful and may be triggering a deeper pain that deserves to be listened to. In a recent sermon given by Paul Coneff, (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ut1o4Cwhrw) he suggested one of the most powerful ways to minister to others is through one-on-one relationships. He summarized that Jesus focused on this type of connection and proposed that we as Christians, should do the same. Pastor Dee Casper echos this in another sermon saying that Jesus spent much of His time in a state of meekness, first being vulnerable with others to help them feel safe enough to express their own pain. (You can find that sermon here: https://www.audioverse.org/english/sermons/recordings/20954/the-strength-of-vulnerability.html)
People get squeamish with pain and suffering.
No one likes to experience it and we don’t like to face it. So instead we ignore, dismiss or “advise" what to do about it when we hear pain from others. All are equally hurtful ways to handle someone with pain. As polarization escalates we need to acknowledge a real, core problem in our society: self-centeredness and pride. We feel the need to know the most, say the best, think the smartest, correct and control all wrongs, and convince others of our “truths”. John Wesley said,
“Condemn no man for not thinking as you think: let every one enjoy the full and free liberty of thinking for himself. Let every man use his own judgement since every man must give an account of himself to God. Abhor every approach, in any kind or degree, to the spirit of persecution. If you cannot reason or persuade a man into the truth, never attempt to force him into it. If love will not compel him to come in, leave him to God, the Judge of all.”
While we might not think ourselves to be judgmental, it does come easily to our human nature. Two common cognitive distortions are mislabeling and mind-reading. Mislabeling is another name for judging based on assumptions. These assumptions come from our tendency to mind-read others. In The Lost Art of Thinking, Dr. Neil Nedley cautions us against mind-reading:
“Humans cannot see the intentions and motives of others, however. We can only see outward appearances. And there is often a very wide chasm between outward behavior and inner motives. This is why, in trying to explain themselves, people so often say, ‘What I meant was…’ Their only hope of explaining certain actions is in telling the motive behind the action.” p. 67
A great way to curb mind-reading is to ask yourself, “How do I know that?” “Can I be certain of what he/she is thinking?” Dr. Nedley goes on to say, “Given time and a little practice, you are likely to learn that sometimes, no matter how good you think you are at reading other people’s minds, you are just flat out wrong about what they really do think. This should give us all pause in making assumptions about others — if in doubt, the very best policy usually is to ask.” p.67
We can never truly understand another’s perspective unless we sit down with them and listen wholeheartedly with an intent to feel as they feel. Far too often people will make assumptions about a person based on the terminology they might use to address injustice. For example, some say, “Black Lives Matter” having an intentional purpose to highlight the value of a black person while at the same time not intending to endorse the political agenda or all the beliefs the BLM movement stands for. The movement can’t hijack the meaning it carries for all individuals and we would be wiser to ask the individual what they mean when they speak.
In order to connect with others, it is helpful to not assume or judge, but instead ask! Even God, who is all-knowing did this when our first parents disobeyed His law. When Adam and Eve sinned God did not approach them with disapproval or a lecture of concern, He started with a question, “Where are you?” (Genesis 3: 9). He knew their heart and could read their motives but out of love, He asked them. It was such a grace-filled approach that it led Adam to express a vulnerable emotion - fear. Ellen White says,
“I wish that we had much more of the Spirit of Christ and a great deal less self, and less of human opinions. If we err, let it be on the side of mercy rather than on the side of condemnation and harsh dealing.—Letter 16, 1887. – {TSB 242.4}
At the risk of being accused of touting post-modern philosophy, there is inevitable subjectivity that we must acknowledge for the sake of empathy. Advice-giving, especially in accordance with God’s law, is necessary but there is a time and place for it as well as a way to do it. We can and should lead by example, showing God’s love for others. That should also include standing up for wrongs and voicing them when we see it, which proves we as Christians are serious about loving our neighbor.
*Amy is an alias name to protect the identity of the individual.
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