photo credit: rawpixel
A year and a half ago we took a trip to the unassuming WACO, TX. A trip I will forever consider to be one of the most memorable and cherished trips in my lifetime. My husband surprised me with an incredible vacation to get closer to one of my most admired human beings on this planet, The Joanna Gaines. ;) I have always wanted to go but it was the perfect timing since the Gaineses had planned an inaugural race event May 6, 2018 involving a full marathon, which my husband boldly participated in (I was so very proud of him), a half marathon, and a 5 K, which Ava (13 weeks in utero) and I participated in. It was all so much fun!!! Joanna's Magnolia empire did not disappoint as we thoroughly enjoyed relaxing on the grounds and meeting; chumming it up with some of her talented workers and friends: Magnolia staff, the Harps, and Jimmy Don. Everyone was so down to earth and confirmed my obsession with how sweet and caring all those genuine people must be. Jimmy Don was especially chatty and approachable at his country metal shop and we were happy to support his local business by purchasing a sign Joanna designed to sell in her and his store. Both Jackson's and my eyes settled on it and we agreed we could use it as a daily affirmation in our home. The words were simple, “let whatever you do today be enough." Needless to say, it has become quite a motto for us.
Today, we live in a task-driven society where people are not so much interested in who you are as a person but what you have done or what you are going to do. I often take pride in my type A, ambitious personality with never-ending to-do lists, calendar alerts, and a drive to race the clock, seeing how much I can actually check off my lists. Yet my ambitious personality can also go the other way, sometimes feeling flat, useless and much like a failure when I feel what I’ve done wasn’t enough. Some days no matter what I accomplish I have a little voice in my head saying “you didn’t do that much…. you weren’t as productive as yesterday.” In cognitive-behavioral therapy language, it is safe to say that I’m ‘discounting the positive’ but to what standard am I measuring myself and whose standard is it? Usually, it’s my own high standard; my worst enemy at times.
I’m primarily a stay at home mom which I love and feel infinitely grateful for. Yet, this role alone can occasionally instigate those feelings of not doing enough. I know plenty of moms and dads who can relate, not to mention there are a plethora of blogs online confirming this notion. Morning goals and internal thoughts include “just get everyone fed and dressed” to “we can’t forget worship” to “what projects am I going to work on today?” to “oh wow! There’s another mess I’ll need to help them clean up again for the 4th time” (side note: my girls, 3 and almost 5, find complete joy in hoarding toys and making what they call “nests”. They take all their toys to one part of the house, pile it up to high heaven, somehow manage to squeeze themselves in that mess and say they are playing).
Sometimes when asked what I did that day, I can’t remember anything significant… and it is usually ME asking myself the question! “Did it really take me that long to clean the kitchen and move the laundry over to the dryer?” I’m generally not taking into account the multiple interruptions that took place during those few hours when my girls “NEEDED” something.
One of my favorite authors put it best in her book Ministry of Healing paragraph 376:
"The mother’s work often seems to her an unimportant service. It is a work that is rarely appreciated. Others know little of her many cares and burdens. Her days are occupied with a round of little duties, all calling for patient effort, for [377] self-control, for tact, wisdom, and self-sacrificing love; yet she cannot boast of what she has done as any great achievement. She has only kept things in the home running smoothly; often weary and perplexed, she has tried to speak kindly to the children, to keep them busy and happy, and to guide the little feet in the right path. She feels that she has accomplished nothing. But it is not so. Heavenly angels watch the care-worn mother, noting the burdens she carries day by day. Her name may not have been heard in the world, but it is written in the Lamb’s book of life.” ~ Ellen G White
Any stay at home parent (fathers too) can relate to this feeling of not being able to “boast of what she has done as any great achievement”. “Her name may not have been heard in the world, but it is written in the Lamb’s book of life.” This phrase truly brings tears to my eyes. Someone is watching. Someone who cares for us and loves our children far more than we ever could. Angels are recording our trials and small triumphs in the book of life; to be noted for a time that really matters.
She goes on to say in another book, Adventist Home (AH) paragraph 231.3:
"The king upon his throne has no higher work than has the mother. The mother is queen of her household. She has in her power the molding of her children's characters, that they may be fitted for the higher, immortal life. An angel could not ask for a higher mission; for in doing this work she is doing service for God. Let her only realize the high character of her task, and it will inspire her with courage."
"The mother seldom appreciates her own work and frequently sets so low an estimate upon her labor that she regards it as domestic drudgery. She goes through the same round day after day, week after week, with no special marked results. She cannot tell at the close of the day the many little things she has accomplished. Placed beside her husband's achievement, she feels that she has done nothing worth mentioning." AH 232.3
"Could the veil be withdrawn and father and mother see as God sees the work of the day, and see how His infinite eye compares the work of the one with that of the other, they would be astonished at the heavenly revelation. The father would view his labors in a more modest light, while the mother would have new courage and energy to pursue her labor with wisdom, perseverance, and patience. Now she knows its value. While the father has been dealing with the things which must perish and pass away, the mother has been dealing with developing minds and character, working not only for time but for eternity." AH 233.1”
Reading these quotes fill my heart with peace and joy as I’m reminded of the bigger picture. It’s really not about the detailed successes of the day, the checkmarks on the lists or the pats on the back for all the accomplishments. It is all about the small victories, the fight to not disqualify the positive by saying, “I may not have gotten done all that I wanted to today but it’s okay. What I have done today is enough.” It is about working hard moment by moment to re-train and re-shape your brain to dwell on what you did get done. Maybe you can try asking a bigger picture question such as, “how can I cultivate my children’s characters by living out a true example of how to even handle this ‘not so productive day' instead of favoring the broken checklist?”
Even more than that, it’s about surrendering your efforts to someone bigger than you, a GOD who cares and can help give you the strength to face the challenges of the day. A God who can point your little focused brain to greater things like, gratitude, praise for the small victories, and a desire to focus your attention on the building of relationships and nurturing the characters of your precious children.
How to fight the feeling of not doing enough (with or without kids):
Acknowledge the fact that there will always be something more to do. One project incessantly seems to lead to another. As soon as you accomplish one, your brain fires up about the next. Tell yourself that there is always going to be something on the list and accept the uncertainty of its finality and doneness.
Fix your mind on what you have done. The key to this step is to actively force your brain to think of the small things you have done throughout the day. Search for the minute, mundane details that may typically not be recognized by you as something significant or great.
Implement cognitive behavioral therapy. Now that you have found some small accomplishments, work at not discounting them. This will require you to start paying attention to your internal dialogue or self-talk. Think about what you are saying to yourself, “what thought is racing through my mind right now? Is it something encouraging or discouraging?” Next, change whatever negative or discouraging thought you have into something truthful and helpful. For example, “I really wanted to get all the laundry done today but I didn’t and that’s okay. Most of the time I’m not going to get done all the things I want to do and that is alright. I can still feel productive.”
Express gratitude for what you have done. The very act of thinking about something to be grateful for can improve your mood. Trying to find gratitude in what you have done can re-set your brain out of a negative cycle. Furthermore, feeling grateful can directly stimulate parts of your brain associated with the neurotransmitter dopamine, the pleasure and reward center. Gratitude can lower the risk of anxiety and depression and even improve your sleep quality.
Surrender your inadequacies to the Lord. Ask Him to help you catch those unhelpful, negative thoughts and work at changing them. Remind yourself just how valued you ARE by your loving Savior whose love is not conditional and does not depend on what you have done or who you will become.
Set your mind to what you can accomplish and do the work with all your might. Ecclesiastes 9:10 says “whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might for there is no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going.” Live life as if you have an abundance of it with true meaning and purpose not just to mark off the checklists.
Finally,
7. Be determined to do your best. Galatians 6:9 encourages us further by saying, “and let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap, if we do not lose heart.
Throughout the day, be determined to do your best in the small moments with the limited time you have, all the while reminding yourself, “let whatever I do today be enough!”
~Krystin
p.c. rawpixel