What do you tell yourself when you are waiting in fear of the unknown? What do you do when waiting for an answer you might be afraid of? It’s the very thing you cannot be certain of but are dreading its potential outcome. In times like these, what brings you comfort?
My tendency is to spiral; to “catastrophize” the future or “fortune tell” myself into thinking about a probable disaster. As far as I can remember, my mind has always seemed to follow a deep entrenched neural pathway that starts from slight uncertainty to worst case scenario. The problem with “catastrophizing” is usually your “worst case scenario” does not come to fruition, only leaving you with hours of gut wrenching worry and frivolous fret.
Now some people pride themselves in believing they are “realists”. They argue that it is necessary to think realistically about the potential negative outcome in order to accept and deal with it. People who “catastrophize” say it is better to be prepared for the worst case scenario at all times. Generally, they prepare so they can prevent the “impending doom” or “explosion”, but so often we find ourselves helpless, not able to prevent or control much of anything. We are usually left with racing, out of control thoughts and anxious feelings over something that has not even happened yet.
Cognitive behavioral therapist, Dr. Aaron Beck found in the 1960s that his patients had similar types of distorted thoughts that he called “thinking errors”. Since his research, “thinking errors” have roughly been expanded into what are commonly known as ten cognitive distortions. One of the ten is called “jumping to conclusions” which has two subtypes, “mind reading” and “fortune-telling”. Mind reading is assuming you can read another person’s mind by making assumptions about what they are thinking.
The other subtype, “fortune-telling” is predicting and assuming bad events as if they will inevitably happen. When fortune-telling is magnified, it is sometimes called “catastrophizing”. People who tend to struggle with this common distortion or thinking error will impulsively assume they know the outcome despite not having complete facts. They often embellish the worst possible outcome, no matter how unlikely is it to take place, and perceive the situation to be intolerable or impossible to handle when it may just be uncomfortable.
Often there is an unconscious type of internal dialogue that may sound like, “that would be horrible, awful and I wouldn’t be able to stand it.” Talking to yourself this way only harms you by increasing anxiety or depressive-like symptoms and lowers your frustration tolerance. Instead it may be more helpful to acknowledge the challenge or hardship while knowing that in many cases you CAN stand it; “I don’t like this and I may feel like it’s killing me but it’s NOT and I CAN STAND it.”
Other ways you can challenge “catastrophizing” thoughts may be to consider questions such as these:
What are the odds of this happening?
What’s the worst that can happen?
Will I survive? What would my plan be?
Slowing down to answer these types of questions can help us practice more rational, helpful thoughts.
I must acknowledge that while changing our thoughts and self-talk can be helpful in reducing fears and anxieties, sometime just experiencing the uncertainty of a distressing situation can drive us a bit batty and we will need to seek comfort somehow. A recent trial led me to experience this first hand…
Our journey to parenthood has not been smooth for us. When we made the decision around 5 & 1/2 years ago we were excited with the prospect of adding a precious baby to our family. I was elated to find out we were pregnant in July 2013 after trying for half a year only to find out I was miscarrying several weeks later. We were broken! Somehow we held on and four months later we were pregnant again with our precious Amelia who was gifted to our hands in July 2014 (exactly one year after our loss). Clara, our second born, was a shocking JOY to us as she arrived 17 months later on Christmas day (a whole month before her due date). Life was so busy for a long time but soon the desire to add another bundle hit us in summer 2017. We were thrilled to find out I got pregnant so soon and quickly planned for a May 2018 arrival, but the ultrasound showed no developing baby and I inevitably miscarried once again. Crushed once more, we tried to pick up the pieces and look ahead while holding onto God’s promises and love for our little family. In February 2018, we found a definitive line on the pregnancy test. Much to my fears and skepticism, we tried to believe and as the months rolled on and as doctor’s appointments confirmed findings, our hearts were lifted and overjoyed with the prospect of a November 2018 baby.
Our 20 week ultrasound revealed another precious girl and although I was really hoping for some blue I knew in my heart God had a specific plan for her and our family. I was working on trusting in Him deeply but along came another test. The 20 week ultrasound revealed a cyst in her brain that signaled a potential health problem. Our doctor reassured me that it was highly unlikely but there was a tiny chance she could have trisomy 18. Although nothing else was obvious on the ultrasound to prove that diagnosis she also had a calcification on her heart which could indicate Down’s Syndrome. Again he reassured me that sometimes these cysts and markings go away on their own but he needed to inform us. My heart sank behind a brave face as I left my appointment, repeating over and over the chances and statistics. Jackson, my husband, was calm even after talking with the doctor on the phone having received all the medical jargon. His reaction was comforting but I couldn’t slow down my fears and anxieties. My head was spinning with thoughts.
I knew all the right things to say to myself… “God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. Just trust in Him. Maybe He has a plan out of all of this. It’s going to be okay even if that is her diagnosis. Maybe He will use our family somehow to be a witness for others someday as I flounder through parenthood with a special needs child… If it will bring more glory to His name then let’s face it and thrive!”
If these were all the right things to say, then why didn’t it soothe my anxious heart?
Part of why I wasn’t soothed was because I KNOW what a child with special needs looks like. I have a handsome brother diagnosed with Down’s Syndrome. I know the ugly, the tantrums, the stubbornness and I also know the beauty, the gentleness and all the love that comes from him. I understand the HARD, the challenge and fear of uncertainty that a child with special needs brings. My heart broke when I saw how unfair the world was with him at times, how they mistreated him and left him out. I trembled with fear thinking of potentially holding my own child with the same diagnosis, having the same fears for her.
BUT wait…. I couldn’t be certain, it was still a small chance. The diagnosis had not yet been proven. The next step was more tests… more waiting before knowing. I immediately prayed for peace and clung to His promises. While “waiting”, there is a normal fear about the unknown outcome but obviously it’s not helpful to perseverate over it. It’s okay to NOT KNOW!
One of the most comforting lessons I learned in graduate school when faced with a difficult unknown was that we simply cannot always “know”. One of the most cathartic phrases I could have ever adopted was “I don’t know!” Saying this out loud reminds me that I don’t always have to know and I can survive with not knowing. With that in mind, I allowed my soul to be fueled with God’s promises, encouragement and prayers from close friends and I decided to rest until the unknown became known.
So what do you do when you’re waiting in fear of your unknown? What can you do with that fear and what can you say that will bring you some comfort as you wait?
Here are some comforts I like to dwell my thoughts upon when waiting in fear:
1. “Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!” ~Psalm 27:14 NKJV
2. “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” ~1 Corinthians 10:13 NKJV (This verse has brought me comfort through many trials since middle school; knowing God will always help you through it if He ‘allowed’ you to it.)3. “None who receive God's word are exempt from difficulty and trial; but when affliction comes, the true Christian does not become restless, distrustful, or despondent. Though we can not see the definite outcome of affairs, or discern the purpose of God's providences, we are not to cast away our confidence. Remembering the tender mercies of the Lord, we should cast our care upon Him, and with patience wait for His salvation. Through conflict the spiritual life is strengthened. Trials well borne will develop steadfastness of character and precious spiritual graces. The perfect fruit of faith, meekness, and love often matures best amid storm clouds and darkness.” ~Christ’s Object Lessons p. 60.4 and p.61.1
4. “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love.” ~Romans 5: 3-5 NLT
5. “Hope and courage are essential to perfect service for God. These are the fruit of faith. Despondency is sinful and unreasonable. God is able and willing "more abundantly" (Hebrews 6:17) to bestow upon His servants the strength they need for test and trial. The plans of the enemies of His work may seem to be well laid and firmly established, but God can overthrow the strongest of these. And this He does in His own time and way, when He sees that the faith of His servants has been sufficiently tested.” ~Prophets and Kings, p. 164.3
Until your trial is complete, God bless you with your waiting in your unknown.
With love as we ourselves patiently wait in discomfort of the unknown for God to reveal His plan for us,
The Henleys
Update Sept.13:
Our blood work came back with a 1 in 10,000 chance that she may have a special need, although the last ultrasound still showed the calcification on her heart. This is very comforting and we are also praising the Lord that the cyst in her brain has cleared. No matter what the outcome, this lesson of waiting has taught me to seek peace and trust in God’s promises.
We are now 7 weeks and a few days away from meeting her and I’m so thrilled to be living in peace with the unknown as I am choosing to accept and trust in God’s ultimate plan for her precious life and our little family.
For another lesson on waiting…
Listen to this incredible testimony of waiting in fear of many unknowns… by Katie and Stephen Waterbrook, When Loss is Gained
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