Welcome to the blog series: Top Challenges of a “New” Mumma that Potentially Trigger Some Major Cognitive Distortions
Challenge #3: Fed is Best
From the moment that baby is laid on your chest, your life changes forever. You become their everything! The job to change, cuddle, feed, sleep, repeat is a continuous cycle of weighty responsibility. Feeding a tiny human alone can feel like a full-time job. I’ve been hired 3 times now and each experience has been a little different. *WARNING: this is a long blog post since I give you an inside on all three breastfeeding experiences, but hang with me till the end. You just might find something relevant to your experience.
AMELIA:
I remember laying on the operating table with our first born as the nurse asked me, “bottle or breast?” In my heavily sedated state, with a big grin on my face, I slurred out “breast”.
— OF COURSE BREAST! Who bottle feeds these days anyway? BREAST IS BEST! Little did I know what was ahead.
Over the next few recovery days, different lactation consultants showed up to give a crash course in this highly demanding full-time job. Different baby holds, latching techniques and lectures on eating and drinking enough. Overall they thought she had a good latch and soon we were headed home to navigate this new addition all on our own.
It seemed to take a while for my milk to come in… all I remember is the EXTREME, “curl your toes” kind of pain every time she latched. I didn’t know whether she was latching incorrectly or if somehow she inherited habanero hot saliva that caused my nipples to feel like they were on fire. All this while trying to understand everything else about a baby in a sleep deprived fog. Sometimes my husband and I would ask each other why she was crying so hard and wouldn’t settle? “Oh ya… it’s because she was STARVING!!!”
A day or two after being home we made a lactation appointment and headed in to see someone. I sat there nearly in tears from the exhaustion and anxiety. Linda, our consultant who turned out to be one of my angels, did pre and post weights of baby. The tears started flowing when she told me I wasn’t transferring enough milk. “WHAT?” I didn’t understand. I didn’t think it was even possible to not have enough milk to feed my own baby. Suddenly I had a twinge of guilt for not prioritizing that free breastfeeding class I saw on the bulletin board at the OB office.
We all tried to stay optimistic by writing out a plan to increase my supply, learning to maneuver a tube taped to my nipple called a supplemental nursing system (SNS) and navigating a nipple shield for my “on fire nipples” (yes they are actual plastic shields).
The next few weeks were full of determined efforts but I will spare you the details. I only survived that chapter of early motherhood with the help of 1. God, knowing He would somehow use this experience for some greater good. 2. My precious baby who made it all worth it when I looked at her. 3. My loving husband who encouraged me and made sure I was taking care of myself. 4. And finally, the incredible lactation consultants, family and friends along the way.
NEVER in my life have I ever felt so completely, physically inadequate at something that should have come naturally. I was FAILING big time and there was nothing I could do about it. People would ask, “Are you eating enough? Drinking enough water? Have you tried fennel? fenugreek? Lactation cookies? What about brewers yeast? Sleeping enough? Are you too stressed? How about pumping?”
Thanks everyone for double checking but…
I was a walking high calorie eating, water logged, yeasty, maple syrup smelling momma (thanks fenugreek) that of course couldn’t get enough sleep and was trying not be stressed about it or the one-eighth of an ounce I was pumping.
Anytime you’re struggling with some aspect of early motherhood just expect to get advice. People want to be helpful and encouraging despite some of their not-so-helpful comments at times. I seriously tried everything I could get my desperate hands on, including Domperidone, an effective drug that increases milk supply but is only available in Canada.
We worked the plan. Soon my nipples were less ‘fiery’… baby and I were learning the SNS. She was so much happier to stay latched to me with the consistent flow of formula coming out the tube. I was managing okay but at every lactation appointment I was crushed with disappointment, not being able to supply milk for her on my own. I cried about it for 5 months straight. When I wasn’t crying I was hiding in the corner mixing her bottle. All I did was cry over my milk and it wasn’t even spilled!!
The tempting distortion was “I’M a FAILURE!!!” It’s hard not to feel that way when the very act of eating enough, drinking enough, sleeping enough while not being stressed is somehow still NOT ENOUGH!
All the things you try to do in order to boost your supply implies you have some sort of control over things… and if not, then you failed.
But what if no matter what you do it just doesn’t work? What if you hit your limit with the pain and exhaustion that you just quit? Since when does that choice make you a failure? That was never your plan A but you imply you should be punished for being forced into plan B.
I couldn’t stop using the SNS and it was EXHAUSTING! I had so many well-meaning friends say, “You’re still using that?” “you need to quit. It’s okay! You’ve done enough”. While I knew in my heart I had done absolutely everything, I just couldn’t let it go. I was so tired of it. I loathed the process of hooking up the tube but I didn’t know when to quit. Truth was… I was still nursing her one-eighth of my milk. Around 6 months she started to reject the tube. I guess she got tired of it going in the corner of her mouth and just preferred the bottle. I cried again, grieving the loss of nursing.
More distortions: “I’m a failure! I’m afraid people will judge me. What about the bonding experience? Was there anything I could have done differently?”
Truth: “I tried everything I could and then some. There’s no room for failure in that. I can trust the incredible bond I will have with her someday despite bottle or breast. Plus, my husband has more opportunities to bond with her when giving her the bottle and I love that. I can feel sad about not being able to breastfeed exclusively but I will not dwell on it. That’s not helpful. She is happy and well fed. Fed is best!”
CLARA:
During this round, I was determined to not be “crazy” or obsessive over my supply nor the SNS system. If nursing didn’t make sense once again, my plan was to transition to bottle without hesitation. Clara came a month early and we stayed in the special care nursery 2 weeks for her to stabilize and feed well. The silver lining of that challenging time was my ability to stay at the hospital with her and focus on my déjà vu full-time job… breastfeeding. Amelia was being cared for at home by family and I could whole-heartedly focus on building up my questionable supply. My expectations were low so you can imagine the sheer shock I had when I saw my supply catching up to her regimented milk intake. Don’t get me wrong, I still had the “curl your toes” kind of pain, the engorgement issues, more nipple shield time and the exhaustion but somehow something was working.
Traumatized from the last “job” I became less crazy yet just as obsessive with pumping…
“So I have a supply this time, will it stay?” “Will I have enough as her intake increases?” Well if not, at least I can build up some reserves by pumping.
I wanted to give up the burden and worry but I couldn’t quite let go. My compulsion of not knowing when to quit the SNS with Amelia morphed into a compulsion to pump; terrified that if I ever let up, I would lose my supply. It took an hour to feed our sweet preemie then an extra half hour to pump and store it. This gave me a whole hour break in between before the next feed. Exhausting. Every time I threw a bag in the freezer I grinned and praised the Lord. Yet, He had another lesson prepared for me. I still was trying to be in control and compulsively pumping was doing that for me.
It wasn’t until around 5 months later that I realized something was different about my stored milk. Once thawed, it seemed to have a soapy smell and Clara didn’t want anything to do with it. One quick call to my lactation consultant Carrie (another angel) and I discovered one word I disdained as I poured over one gallon of my breast milk down the drain; LIPASE! An enzyme that breaks down the fat in your milk to help with digestion but when excessive it can make the stored milk taste sour or soapy.
I don’t regret the hard work it took to pump all that milk but I do regret how compulsive I was and knew next time I would do things much differently. Nursing is not easy! Engorgement, clogged ducts and mastitis, cracked nipples, bleeding nipples, low supply, high supply, fast let down, slow let down, leakage, back problems, and a lot of tears. All totally normal. However, never be ashamed to set up that appointment and ask for help.
AVA:
As for our third, I guess we have found our groove. She’s such a nursing champ and we’ve been successful for 3 months so far! Things seem to be working well but this time there are no reserves. I refused to pump and store. Is it a 3rd times a charm sort of thing? Or is the success in realizing I’m not at all in control and FINALLY letting go? Who knows.
I’m tempted to worry at times.. “is she getting enough?” “What if she outgrows my production?” “Will I try to pump again?” But what ifs and worry often create problems where there are none.
She’s our fastest growing baby, her numbers are going up and she’s content. I don’t have all the answers. Each experience has been so unique with different challenges. Yet there are three things I can be certain of:
Being in “control” is often a false feeling.
I’m never a failure when I try.
Fed is BEST!
What was your nursing experience like? And what are some things you learned from it?
Krystin
P.S. Stay tuned for Challenge 4: Home “Sweet” Home
*Check out two excellent reads below. Enjoy and remember, we should never shame mothers for doing their best.
Washington Post — article “Doctor says: When it comes to breastfeeding, your health and happiness matter as much as your baby’s”.
Scary Mommy — blog written by Sara Lindberg sharing “When Breastfeeding Doesn’t Work Out”.