Welcome to the blog series: Top Challenges of a “New” Mumma that Potentially Trigger Some Major Cognitive Distortions
Challenge #4: Home “Sweet” Home - Now What Do We Do?
I’ve heard so many people say babies don’t come with a manual. How true is that? The bliss of the newborn stage is long lasting but so is the sleep deprivation and hormones. From pregnancy to birth there are at least five different hormones women contend with. Relaxin, estrogen, oxytocin, progesterone, prolactin… just to name a few. Women can relate to the chaotic plethora of emotions that accompany hormones. It’s very natural to hear a new, post partum mom say, “I’m crying and I don’t even know why”. Hormones are just a part of it all. So instead of asking why, I’ve been working to embrace them more.
You will be much easier on yourself when you practice thinking, “Hello hormones… I’ll shed a few tears right now but I know things are going to be okay and this will all pass soon” instead of “oh no! here comes my emotions again… I really shouldn’t be feeling this way. Why can’t I get it together?”
This precious bundle has changed your life in such a vulnerable way. One minute you’re crying because you’re overwhelmed and the next you’re crying because your baby seems to be growing up way too fast. Try to remind yourself that intense emotions accompany hormones but they won’t stick around forever. Find a loved one you can talk to about your ever swinging pendulum of emotions.
Sleep deprivation will also keep you on your toes. Never in your life will you feel more incredibly tired than with a newborn. While it seems to force you into a sloth-like state to enjoy your baby more fully, it compounds normal difficulties into catastrophes. Sibling spats ignite fears over being a terrible parent, a messy home confirms your suspicion that you are a total slob and running out of ideas on how to soothe your crying baby triggers thoughts of inadequacy.
Isn’t sleep deprivation used in some countries as a torture tactic? I know it has the ability to turn me into a person many would prefer not to be around. Irritability, indecisiveness, anxiety, forgetfulness, inability to concentrate, depressed mood, lack of motivation, etc. are all symptoms of sleep deprivation. I can still remember the brain fog I had with our first born… a simple thing like packing the diaper bag to run an errand seemed insurmountable. The culprit? Sleep deprivation. It may even spark a surplus of doubt as you try to navigate life with your newborn. “Am I doing this right?” “Are other moms struggling like me?” “How do I know if baby is hungry or just tired?” “Is this normal?”
I asked my husband what advice he would give a brand new parent and he told me, “There’s no way to know what the right answer is. You have to trust yourself.” So what does that look like in your head when you are actually struggling? It could sound like this:
Rational thoughts:
“I’m not sure whether or not I’m doing this right but I’ll try it this way for now and see what happens.”
“Every parent struggles. They didn’t get a baby manual either.”
“I’m not sure what my baby wants. I’m learning his/her cues and that’s okay. If I’m exhausted I can ask for help.”
“I don’t have to judge whether or not this is normal. I can accept it is something we are struggling with and will eventually figure out. I’m a fallible human who is doing my very best. I’m a good mom.”
Let’s get focused!!!
This stage is one of the hardest for my Type A, driven personality. My brain usually wants to implode on itself when I walk around the house realizing I’ve started 5 different unfinished tasks (inability to concentrate), realize I didn’t load the dryer for the second time or finish texting that friend (forgetfulness), and when I stare off blankly not able to make a decision on a simple choice (indecision). If you are anything like me, I want to help you during this wonderful stage of being home now with your sweet bundle of joy.
Tip 1: SLOW DOWN!
Channel the exhaustion and embrace the snail pace. List all of your roles and see what you can let go of for a while. Delegate as many responsibilities outside your home as possible (Church, school, mom’s groups, etc.) What about inside your home? How can you simplify? Before baby came, I sorted toys and donated some. Others, I boxed up to rotate out and have less to pick up for a while. Download a meal app that can help sort your favorite recipes and act as a grocery list. I personally LOVE Paprika (#paprikaapp)! Make a list of all your big projects that have been looming over your head and put it aside. Make a mental note to not revisit the list until a couple of months down the road.
Lastly, let go of any plaguing expectations you have of yourself. Struggling with trying to be that perfect mom? wife? friend? daughter? Write them down. Let go of them. Then let go of them again as they resurface for you.
Tip 2: ACCEPT THE HARD!
You are still recovering… the pain might still be very real. Go easy on yourself. Don’t be a hero and be sure to listen to your body and what it can handle. Acknowledge the hormones, hug those emotions and when you are having a rough day remember the symptoms of sleep deprivation you may be dealing with. Be kind to yourself.
Tip 3: ASK FOR HELP!
You’ll notice the phone calls and “how are you feeling?” questions tend to decrease by your baby’s 3rd month. This doesn’t mean friends don’t want to help you or that you should be smooth sailing by now. They may need a little reminder. Now, I’m preaching to the choir because it is SO HARD FOR ME to ask for help but I’m realizing I have no choice these days. Whenever someone offers to help me my gut reaction is to say, “No, I’m okay. Thank you though.” But with my third kiddo in tow I quickly scan my brain to find a way they can help. Even if it’s giving them my shopping cart while I flounder to get my distracted kids into their car seats. If someone offers to help with ANYTHING these days I jump on it.
Get creative. Need a meal? a visit from a friend? a play date to distract your kid for a while so you can clean? maybe you need to release yourself from a certain responsibility you took on. I remember the freedom I felt one day realizing I desperately need some time for myself to do whatever I wanted. Preferably with no interruptions. When I vocalized this need, a weight lifted off my shoulders and stressful things seemed manageable. What will time for yourself look like for you? A quick run? devotion time? blogging? organizing something? a long, hot shower? I’m bad at stepping away. I don’t like to miss out on things and I love being around my family. However, the clarity I have from just 20-30 minutes away is indescribable.
Tip 4: SEE THE BIGGER PICTURE!
Your baby won’t be small forever. I can’t tell you how many times I get bogged down in the worry about some aspect of baby. Trying to get her to nap well, eat well, grow well. Remember my trouble breastfeeding my first born? That was just one challenge I was faced with. Many other challenges consumed me as a new parent and I was quickly overwhelmed. About 3 months into the new parenting thing and my soul sister of a friend showed me a powerful article that forever changed motherhood for me. Here is the last part of it.
“Someday we will sit on opposite sides of the aisle...all fancy and with gobs of tissues tucked into our fists. We'll watch our silly, sticky, sweet babies somehow transform into brides and grooms and make the same promises to one another that we ourselves have kept...against all odds and only by His grace. And we will watch these children create families of their own with the ingredients we have given them. The ingredients we are slipping into their souls today.
But until then, I'm sitting here in the dark with babies in my arms.
And I'm praying for you.”
I sobbed, and still sob, when reading it. It acknowledged my “worry wondering” about nurturing characters enough, holding enough, etc. while transporting me to the mature individual he or she will become someday by God’s loving grace. It refocused thoughts and fears from myself to praying for and encouraging other moms. I can feel confident in knowing that where I fail, God can sustain. He is faithful.
Tip 5: TAKE TIME TO SETTLE IN AS A FAMILY!
Not getting out very much? That’s totally normal! It is a fine balance between not feeling too cooped up and not overdoing the outings. Adjusting to having three kids has been much more difficult than I imagined. Incrementally growing the family from 0-1, 1-2, 2-3 has been taxing and pushed me to stretch beyond what I thought I was capable of.
I never want to imply that having three kids is way harder than having two or even one. There are so many factors involved such as: temperaments, focus, priorities, roles, responsibilities, etc. I was overwhelmed with the first, overwhelmed with the second and now with the third but soon you adjust, find a balance and groove. I’m not always patient with the process but I’m learning to lean more on the support I have and find joy in the journey, not the destination.
What does settling in as a family look like for you? Small trips to the library? Saying no to lots of visitors?Going for a walk? Laying on the floor reading books? Watching your kids try to engage their new sibling? Keep it simple, keep it small.
Tip 6: HOLD ON TO THE PRECIOUS
Try to stay grounded in the newness of your baby. Take in the smell before the newborn scent leaves, memorize details of the perfect round face, relish the sleepy cuddles, cherish the first smile (even if it is just gas), adore the first giggle, admire the first reach, appreciate and celebrate each milestone… treasure, esteem, preserve all of it while revering the One who ‘holds on to the precious’ and loves far more than you possibly can.
I don’t need to coach you on this. Chances are you are already doing it. Perhaps you are like me and struggle with the guilt creeping in as a silent thief saying you’re not doing it enough. Shut the door and lock up that thief. Pay attention to the small instances. Hold dear every moment you can, when you can, in the present. After all that’s the only gift you own.
While I try not to overdo it, I find I can ‘hold on to the precious’ by: journaling, taking notes, pictures, videos, making baby books, stamping hands or footprints, etc. You may not wish to do the same but find something that works for you.
~Congratulations! You are home now. It’s a sweet place to be. Try out some of these tips when you are in the thick of it. Don’t worry, you know what to do. You are learning your baby as baby is learning you. Let’s not be afraid to make up our own manual.
Blessings,
Krystin
P.S. Stay tuned for Challenge #5: Send Her Back
The article that changed early motherhood for me: If My Child Marries Yours by Teach Me To Braid Blog,
Another good one is The Advice New Moms Really Need. It made me laugh too! By Emily Fisk @emilyafisk
Ava Grace ~ one month old sleeping on daddy
p.c. mommy