photo credit: Where BlueBirds Fly Photography
Welcome to the blog series: Top Challenges of a “New” Mumma that Potentially Trigger Some Major Cognitive Distortions
Challenge #5: Send Her Back (Sibling Adjustments)
Ava was almost a week old when Clara (2 at the time) stood by her side saying, “I wanna send her back”. When I asked where to send her back to, she crouched her head and whispered “to Dr. Pitts”. I was afraid I’d pop a C-section stitch from laughing so hard! Clara casually changed the subject. “Too much change Clara?” I asked as I pressed the matter at hand. “Ya…” she said. (Read on for the video)
Too much change…
We go from snapping our ecstatic, smiling faces into a picture, having had the most beautiful family introductions in our hospital gown, to the sweetest home cuddles with a side of sibling chaos. I still remember our first day home as a family of five. Both Jackson and I chuckled as we noticed one moment was pure bliss and the next, someone was gonna get strangled. We smiled knowing this would be life (at least for now) and we might as well cozy up to the realization that our days would be filled with angelic-like moments one minute and chaotic melt-downs the next.
It’s an adjustment not just for you but the siblings too. The girls always seemed to be fighting over who was going to hold baby as I wondered if some of their acting out was because baby was now here. You’ve heard it before, at least one person saying that regression or behavior problems might appear when baby comes home. You might see some behavioral changes but know that it is normal. There’s nothing to fear and nothing a few more cuddle sessions won’t be able to fix.
Here are a few tips on how to include the siblings with baby’s care:
Offer lots of baby holding time. No matter the age of your child, you can help him or her cuddle and love on their newest sibling. Take advantage of the first couple months when baby sleeps through anything to allow for those awkward sibling cuddles.
Find out what they can do with baby that is safe. Can they read, talk, sing to baby? Maybe they want to grab a diaper for you or pick out the drool bib for the day. My girls like to choose baby’s outfit. I set the parameters like “she’s going to need a long sleeve onesie, pants and socks”. Then they go and grab each one of those things. When your other children do help, try not to micro manage every move or choice they make.
Show them the “right” way. Sometimes we forget our kids are constantly learning their world and don’t have much experience in it. I’m shocked when I find Clara squeezing Ava’s head and cheeks. How many times do I have to tell her to be gentle? Then I realize she sees me pinching and gently squeezing cheeks. She may not realize her strength or Ava’s discomfort. Other times I find Amelia sitting on top of Ava happy as a clam. She insists she’s not putting much weight on her but doesn’t clue in that it may give her sister license to do the same… and Clara wouldn’t hold back.
Try to not overreact. Your kids are still little and learning how to interact with baby. They are mostly excited and don’t have the reasoning skills yet. Sometimes I mess up with this one. Especially when feeling stressed during a transition period. One afternoon Ava was feeling super tired and hadn’t napped well. She was on the verge of a breakdown and we were unloading groceries and trying to get settled fast. All of a sudden I heard Ava start to ‘scream cry’. I looked over to find Amelia standing over Ava holding the pacifier Ava had only a minute ago. Now I should know by now that sometimes Amelia will try to help the situation by grabbing Ava’s soother to reposition it for her. Instead, I let my anxiety get in the way. I rushed to get baby out while ‘question scolding’ Amelia. “Hunny! What did you do to her? Why is she crying so hard! Did you take her soother away from her when she was playing with it? You can’t do that hunny!” Noticing Amelia wasn’t answering any of my questions I looked to find her head hung low. She was trying to hold back the tears. I finally clued in. She was feeling hurt that Ava was so upset. She didn’t need me scolding her for it. Soon it was water works for her, Ava and almost me. I felt awful because I know she felt terrible. I know she didn’t intentionally make Ava cry. I allowed my anxiety to trigger me and I overreacted.
Don’t highlight the fact that baby takes YOU away from THEM. It’s very easy to say, “Not right now hunny. I’m busy with baby”. Or “I’m trying to nurse your sister. I can’t help you right now.” First try to evaluate whether or not you actually can or cannot help. If gearing up to go outside is too much for baby and you, suggest a different activity they like to do instead such as reading together. Maybe you can put baby safely down quick to attend to that ‘extremely important toddler demand’. Or create a little quiet bag of fun toys or activities the siblings can play with when you are really tied up with baby. During those moments, try to phrase it as if you are busy at the moment but you know it’s important to them and you want to do it as soon as you can. I often say “mommy’s hands are busy right now. Can I help you in a minute?” “I want you to wait for a second so that I can really pay attention to you.” You don’t even need to mention baby. They can see you are busy with baby but you aren’t drawing more attention to it. You don’t want to send the message that attention to baby means no attention for you. Also, avoid using baby as an excuse to not do something fun. If you have to say no, tell your kiddo when you can do it later and stick to it.
Make life easier WITH baby. Find a way to incorporate baby in your everyday adventures with your kids. Is your family outside a lot? Purchase a portable outdoor baby folding chair. Our family likes this one. Do you like to have baby close? I never leave my house without my Ergo. Have somewhere you can put baby down on in each room that keeps him or her safe and enables you to happily interact with your children like a play mat, bassinet, bouncer or swing. We recently got this adorable to-go play mat with toy storing capabilities. It’s been perfect for traveling to church socials and friends’ homes.
Re-group when everything is going to pot. I tell myself “okay regroup!” Sometimes I say it out loud. “Re-group time. Everyone to the couch” I get baby settled or latched to nurse, then I talk with the girls and we discuss what is going on, like how tired we all might be and what the plan is for the next couple of hours. This is not so much for the kids as it is for me.
Help them be more independent. Can they reach water for themselves? If not, fill up a water bottle for the day. Keep cups, snack bowls, stools, wet wipes, soap, hand towels, burp cloths, Kleenex, crayons, paper etc. all within reach for them to use. If they want a snack I say “okay, go get your bowl.” Or as Clara shows me a boogie on her finger I can say, “go get a Kleenex”. I might even throw in a song to help motivate them such as “I’m a little helper”. Most kids want to be more independent anyway. You’re just helping them be more successful at it.
The best part of that moment captured on film (click here to watch) was of course Clara’s whispering response of sending Ava back . But I also adored their loving, empathetic reactions to Ava when she started to stretch and wince. Amelia said, “it’s okay baby” and Clara squeaked out a falsetto-pitched “I love you baby.” Clara calls her a cutie pie and gives her a few more kisses. Despite the tough change, Clara couldn’t help but show genuine love and care for her newest baby sister.
Something told me she wanted to keep her…
P.S. Stay tuned for Challenge #6: Striking a Balance
p.c. Where Bluebirds Fly Photography