photo credit: Where Bluebirds Fly Photography
Welcome to the blog series: Top Challenges of a “New” Mumma that Potentially Trigger Some Major Cognitive Distortions
Challenge #6: Striking a Balance
Remember the adjustment happens for you too!
It is totally normal to wonder ‘what just happened?’ all while cherishing and squeezing your baby tightly. You are so in love and can’t imagine life without her, yet you catch yourself day-dreaming about those freedom days you used to have. Perhaps even wishing for times before and longing for that pre-sleep-deprivation life. I remember after having our first, confessing to Jackson I was thinking about life before her. As soon as I said it out loud, guilt stabbed me in the back. Tears were welling up. He looked at me and said, “You’ve lived almost 29 years without her. It’s okay to wish for certain aspects of life before her.” What a relief from that validation he gave!
Remember that thief from Challenge 4? The sneaky guilt that creeps in spreading lies, stirring up doubt and bad feelings? Telling you that you aren’t loving on your baby enough or that you’re now neglecting your other children? The grace you thought you had is not around anymore.
As each month passes you adjust and things seem to get a bit easier but soon your high expectations resurface, erupting just as fast as the spit up appears on your shoulder.
Distorted thoughts such as:
“I should be in a routine by now.”
“Shouldn’t I be used to this? It’s not my first kiddo.”
“This is so hard! How does _________ (name of that perfect mom) do it all?”
This is when the grace you gave yourself before has left the building and distortions appear instead.
A couple months ago, I was struggling and it hit me. I realized I had been feeling super stretched out with the girls. There was a certain sadness that accompanied that realization. Mostly because time speeds on, feeling like it has robbed you and distractions are so real and more frequent these days. I recognize I don’t have as much time with my third but my expectations have remained the same instead of striking a balance — finding a more moderate course or compromise.
Even now, I catch myself feeling guilty that my brain isn’t as creative as it used to be. Where is that creativity that could make up a funny song on the spot to encourage my toddler along? Or, I feel guilty my patience isn’t as strong as it used to be when there were just two. The day speeds by and leaves me feeling not very productive with all the unfinished projects and more to-dos that pile up for next day’s tasks. I worry about somehow short changing each child because my attention is spread thin.
It’s reality. I don’t have as much energy anymore. And just when I’ve hunkered down to play a bit, the timer goes off on the dryer, the pot starts to boil over, or the 3 & 4 year old need to be separated for another much needed break.
It’s true this stage is a bit more difficult but I’m figuring out that I just need to be more intentional, more purposeful. I know I can stop at different times in my day to acknowledge them when one is by my side. Crouching down to their level, staring deeply into their eyes, I can tell them something I love about them. I can express my gratitude for a specific behavior they engaged in that I appreciated. I can commit to doing more air high fives when I can’t quite make it over to them but want to affirm their good decisions and encourage a positive character trait.
I want to encourage you too! When the guilt comes knocking and you’ve allowed those darker thoughts to take over. Not enough time? Energy? Creativity? Not being a “good mom?” Don’t dwell on those!
Start to take notice of the smaller moments that are most sacred to this life. Those moments won’t involve your grandiose efforts or a perfect picture captured on your phone. Just a simple moment to connect with your precious little ones; to tell them “I’m here, I see you. You are wonderful to me.”
As for your third, fourth or even fifth kid? He’ll only be as ‘short-changed’ as you make him out to be. Trust that his birth order is just how God intended for it to be... His personality will uniquely grow out of the “I’m the third child. The littlest. The forgotten-one at times. The mommy’s-got-those-happy-tears-again-because-I’m-so-special-to-her…”
Take a guilt-free break when you need one to remember for an hour or more what it was like before all this joy, chaos and wonderfulness entered your life.
And when you want to cherish baby more? Carve out a special time of day for you and your newest little one. Lately, Ava’s and my sacred time has been right after tucking in the other two. I push out all other thoughts or to-dos. It’s just her and I. Looking into her deepest blue (for now) eyes and her beaming back at me as we are learning one another. It’s one of my most favorite times of day. I try hard to relish in her littleness without deciding whether or not she’s our last or being overly emotional about the prospect of her concluding our family.
I quickly work to reframe those feelings into “I love her smallness today!” Nothing more; nothing less. Not looking into the past to evaluate if I cherished the newborn stage enough and not looking to the future, pressuring myself into desperately trying to stop time in vain. But instead, presently gazing down at her in awe of everything she is; in a moment I can hold onto, if only but for a moment... the present time. All while giving heart felt thanks to the One above who made her.
This adjustment has changed you. You’ll think of days before. It’s okay. Some days the guilt or doubts will come knocking. You will feel stretched thin. But you’ll also find peace in the smaller moments. Take a deep breath and move forward, growing as you work to strike a balance.
Blessings,
Krystin
P.S. Stay tuned for Challenge #8: Love Your Handles
pc Where Bluebirds Fly Photography