photo credit: @simplysadiejane
Welcome to the blog series: Top Challenges of a “New” Mumma that Potentially Trigger Some Major Cognitive Distortions
Challenge #7: Love Your Handles
I was locked in the most incredible embrace with my 3 year old (at the time), Amelia. She was standing on a stool, squeezing tightly around my waist. Both of us were relishing the moment. She glanced up at me still hugging tightly. Looking deep into her eyes, I was about to tell her how much I loved her when she cut me off to confess what was on her heart…
“I love your squishy belly mommy!”
Yep… She loves my squishy belly. Initially, I was caught off guard but quickly saw she meant it and genuinely loved it. I tried to look at my squishy belly from her perspective and soon realized my appreciation for it to. “I do too hunny. You know why?” I replied. “Because I had you!”
I believe that whole-heartedly and praise God for the ability to have housed and birthed 3 miracles in my body within the last 5-6 years. However, I still can’t escape the cringe that assails me when looking in the mirror some days. I know I’m not alone…
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As I approached my third trimester with our first baby, a dear friend of mine coached me on how to respond to a postpartum body. “It took 9 months to grow that baby, give yourself at least that much time to get your body in shape.”
Notice she didn’t say “get your body back”. This wise friend reminded me that while my heart would change, stretch and grow, so would I. My heart could never return to what it was before and neither would my body in the exact same way. The moment you become pregnant your body makes a sacrifice to hold that baby and I don’t think you’d have it any other way. Even without a baby, our bodies change during puberty, stressful incidents, and with age. We must recognize this as normal.
Of course you’ll have the odd day-dream of pre-baby weight or promise to meet your toned-muscle goals someday but it is all very much a process.
I know what you’re thinking, “How on earth will I ever be able to work-out when I can hardly shower myself?” “Where will I find the energy to work towards a healthy routine?” “How can I ever lose weight with this ravishing, breastfeeding appetite that seems will never go away?” “I’ve tried to lose weight before and failed. It’s just too hard.”
I want you to stop “worry-wondering” and trust that you will. Trust that someday you will find the energy, your appetite will slow down, you’ll find you can do more and yes, even take more frequent showers. But until then… be patient with yourself. Don’t give a definite time frame. Be gentle, more accepting of your body and you’ll find that changes will happen more organically during the whole process.
One of the biggest hinderances we have with not accepting our bodies are comparisons, even though comparisons are usually crude and often distorted. Sometime after having Amelia I found myself comparing my post-baby tummy against another friend who also recently had a baby. She didn’t have the saggy skin, the soft dough that I seemed to have. She was that typical case of “she just bounced back”. I remember feeling happy for her but also thinking “How?” I wasn’t paying much attention to the fact that our bodies were entirely different.
For one, I don’t have much of a torso whereas she did. Less room for baby, more skin to stretch = saggy dough. Second, our metabolisms could be very different. Finally, I was taking medication to help boost milk production which also increased my appetite and thus the extra weight.
It’s important to recognize these differences but so often we don’t. I also don’t think we celebrate our differences enough (skin tones, body shapes, sizes and weight variations). We’ve listened far too long to what society or the mainstream media says is beautiful and acceptable.
Then there’s self-criticism…
Self-criticism is at its finest when you pass by a mirror post-baby. Or perhaps you’re thinking, “post-baby? I am not loving my body period and there is NO baby!” If so, this is for you too!
If there’s just one thing you take away from this post PLEASE remember this:
The mirror does NOT get to determine how you feel!!
ONLY your thoughts do and fortunately we have some control over those.
Mirrors have never been able to talk about all your body has been through. They’ve never been able to talk you down from the comparisons or self-criticisms. Never been able to refute those mean and hateful things you might say to yourself. Your thoughts do that and YOU get to CHOOSE what you say to yourself and what you’ll listen to.
Here are a few helpful phrases you can CHOOSE to focus on when you’re stuck.
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Truthful Body Acceptance Phrases:
-My body is fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).
-This body housed a complete miracle and nourished it for 9 months.
-My body is still nourishing baby and I will stay healthy for him/her.
-I will choose to NOT compare my body with other postpartum moms (or others PERIOD!).
-I will also choose to NOT compare the time it takes to loose their “baby weight” against the progression I am making.
-I will trust this process and try to not make any definite timelines for myself.
-I will be honest with myself and my goals.
-I will try to have open and honest communication with my spouse on how I’m feeling about my body.
-I will work at focusing on exercise as a benefit to my overall health, not just to lose weight.
-I will slowly incorporate exercise when I feel healed and strong enough (post-partum).
-I will work on not being ashamed of the changes of my body.
-I will work toward an attitude of gratitude whenever my negative thoughts get stuck.
-I will work at accepting that my body may never be the same. It’s okay! Neither is my heart.
(adapted from Julie Burton’s article Loving your postpartum body: 12 mantras to help you adjust to your new shape)
Remember this, your precious girl will learn from you to love or hate her body someday. Why not choose to show her how to love and cherish it? Even when it changes and takes a different shape. Teach her to appreciate the masterpiece work it took to create.
Your precious boy will learn from you how to value and admire that changing body in his spouse someday. Why not choose to show him how he can treasure it like a living temple, the way it deserves. God must think our bodies are pretty valuable if He calls it a temple (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). Not just the size 2s, 4s, or flat tummies but all bodies!
And if you don’t have kiddos yet? Know that you become what you practice and what you become bleeds into other areas of your life and those around you. If you practice negative thoughts about your body, it’ll be easier to think negatively about yourself in general. Don’t forget to THINK and speak positively about your body.
Gratitude is a great solution. To focus your thoughts on the minute miracles happening in your body everyday. Your lungs expanding with every inhale, your heart pumping that life-source blood, your incredible brain, the most complicated structure ever investigated by science. Look at your ‘extra handles’ then actively choose to express gratitude for your arms, legs, fingers, nose, ears, eyes, etc.
It’s okay to recognize areas of improvement, create goals and push yourself out of your comfort zone but in the end…
Be the mom who chooses to love it all. The stretch, the dough, the handles, the sag…
the body change that changed your world for good, forever.
Be the mom who is looking down at that sweet face who is loving your squishy belly and say back, “me too hunny. I love it too!”
Blessings,
Krystin
P.S. Stay tuned for Challenge #8: Still a Wife?
~Read this beautiful blog post A Different Sort of Stretch Mark by Becky Thompson to gain a unique perspective of how we change as moms.
(pc: @simplysadiejane)