Welcome to the blog series: Top Challenges of a “New” Mumma that Potentially Trigger Some Major Cognitive Distortions
Challenge # 8: Still a wife?
“…first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in a baby carriage.”
It’s a jingle we’ve all heard. Maybe at some point we were the ones reciting it. However, one thing sure to confound us in almost every parenting journey is that at some point while pushing that carriage along we forget that once came marriage.
__________
There are so many changes that take place in the marriage once babies arrive. It can become natural to accidentally dismiss that needed connection with your spouse. Life seems to pick up the pace with or without you and it’s up to you to get on board or get left behind.
Some changes are expected such as financial ones - medical bills, baby gear (dreaming about that pricy Snoo), diapers, college funds, etc. Having divided attentions can be predicted as well - being distracted more due to taking care of a very precious, needy individual(s). That, coupled with hormonal changes and sleep deprivation can make you forget that it was ever just the two of you.
And then there are some changes you didn’t expect…
Exaggerated personality traits and tendencies - babies create never-ending moments of always wondering what the right thing to do is and never really knowing. Trying to problem solve without knowing whether you’ve found the right answer can be aggravating. What if your significant other disagrees with you about the best course of action? High strung personalities may turn anxious and laid-back types could seem avoidant or uninvolved.
Intimacy - Intimacy takes on a whole different meaning as you maneuver your way through the postpartum symptoms that can actually last a lot longer than you ever would have imagined.
Tearing, episiotomies, vaginal hematomas, hemorrhoids, hypo-estrogenism and other hormonal changes are all examples of what can rock your world of intimacy even past those first 6 weeks. Between recovery and breastfeeding it can feel like you don’t own or even recognize your body anymore. After giving your body to baby, as well as to the other kiddos if you have them, by the end of the day you may feel like you have nothing left.
I’m almost certain there is a point in any mom’s day with a newborn that she completely forgets she’s married and can’t think of giving another ounce of herself. That might be exaggerating, but you get the point!
Did you know that sleep deprivation can cause a reduced sex drive? (i) Not only that, but there are other lingering symptoms that may go undiagnosed like a painful pinched pudendal nerve(ii) or a “menopausal-like” vagina. Ouch!
I remember a friend postpartum mentioning something called hypo-estrogenism or atrophic vaginitis (iii) -
A drop in estrogen so severe it makes for painful intercourse mimicking symptoms similar to menopause.
After giving birth a woman’s estrogen and progesterone levels plummet, similar to the way they shift during menopause. The drastic change in hormone levels can lead to atrophic vaginitis, which includes inflammation of the vagina, as well as soreness, itching and dryness. The condition can persist for as long as a woman breastfeeds because throughout this time estrogen levels will remain relatively low — high estrogen levels would inhibit milk production.
In addition to having pain during sex, women who are nursing may lose their interest in sex, altogether. The lack of interest may be because breastfeeding suppresses hormones (prolactin and testosterone) which impact libido. If you are interested in sex while you’re breastfeeding and you’re also experiencing vaginal dryness, Dr. Candace Howe, an OB-GYN in California, recommends both low dose vaginal supplements (which won’t impact breastfeeding) and Aquaphor, an ointment for healing dry and cracked skin.
Lactational atrophic vaginitis is just one of many on a list of ways breastfeeding could be impacting your vagina.
Click here for the full article.
* * * * *
Whether or not you expected these changes in your marriage, here they are. Marriage and parenting takes work! Yet, there is nothing more satisfying than having a well-adjusted family. That involves happy children who are watching their parents working hard on their marriage each day. Young children may not understand a whole lot, but they do pick up on the emotional environment of the home. Letting them see you actively trying to connect with one another is the best gift you could ever give them. Below are some helpful, quick ways to establish connection with your spouse.
Ten quick ways to connect to your spouse
Lock eyes for 2 minutes — This is a powerful tool for connection. It may feel a bit awkward but it can open the door for authenticity and vulnerability between one another. One study suggests there’s a direct connection between eye contact and limbic system activity (the center for emotions in your brain). (iv)
Kiss for 15 seconds — Kiss often. Kiss when you part from each other and kiss when you reunite. When you kiss, make a point to express how much he/she means to you. Make kissing so frequent that it doesn’t mean that something is going to or “has to” happen later.
Just listen & don’t fix — This may sound cliché but it’s a necessary reminder. Sometimes your spouse may want to process something out loud without hearing opinions or judgments. When in doubt, it’s better to just listen and say, “I’m sorry. That is so rough.”
Pray together — Praying together as a couple can strengthen your family value system. It can also take the pressure off your spouse to fix everything and increases your faith and wellness in a higher power.
Hold hands or hug — Do it just because.
Do little things for one another — Leave love notes around the house for each other to find. Do his chores sometimes. Do hers. Go out of your way to make each other’s load a little lighter.
Be kind to yourself — Watch out for high expectations and negative self-talk. Having high expectations of yourself can often translate to high expectations of others. Having negative self-talk is not just damaging to you but also to your whole family because of the way it makes you feel and behave.
Try to express the root of the problem — Instead of ranting, “the laundry is not done, the trash needs to go out, there’s dog poop on my shoe, baby won’t nap, the kids are driving me crazy, I’m tired and I don’t know what to make for dinner.” Say, “I’m overwhelmed and I feel lonely!”
Watch out for a negative mental filter — This is a common cognitive distortion that involves only seeing or pointing out the negative aspects of life or events. Force yourself to see how your spouse has been helpful lately. Then don’t just think it. Tell each other!
Serve one another — If all else fails… think less of yourself and more of the other. Be so confident in your value and self-worth, the way God sees and loves you, that you die to self every day and think more about serving one another (Philippians 2: 1-3).
Ask questions like:
“What can I do to make you feel loved and supported today?”
“How can I help you feel more relaxed?”
“What can I do to help you feel less stressed or burdened?”
Hope these tips will help to regain some emotional connection with your spouse while reminding you that the marriage did once come before the carriage. This is a tough yet beautiful season of life that we get to uniquely share with our spouses. This video blog will emphasize that if you click here.
This stage in your marriage will be hard, but can also be blissful.
Yes, you’re still a wife.
Don’t give up.
Communicate, go to marriage counseling if needed (click here for help finding one).
Keep pushing forward, choosing the love that first came, even before the marriage.
Blessings,
Krystin
P.S. Stay tuned for Challenge #9: Concluding With a Little Advice
photo credit: Where Bluebirds Fly Photography
Here’s an article that gives more helpful advice on how to Keep Your Marriage Strong After Baby by Quinn Kelly
References:
(i) Davis, K. (2018). What's to know about sleep deprivation? Medical News Today. Retrieved April 21, 2019 from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/307334.php
(ii) Sultan AH, et al. (1994). Pudendal nerve damage during labour: prospective study before and after childbirth. Br J Obstet Gynaecol. Retrieved April 21, 2019 from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/8297863/
(iii) Kraft, S. (2018). What's to know about atrophic vaginitis? Medical News Today. Retrieved April 21, 2019 from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/189406.php
(iv) Koike, T., et al. (2019). What Makes Eye Contact Special? Neural Substrates of On-Line Mutual Eye-Gaze: A Hyperscanning fMRI Study. ENEURO. Retrieved April 21, 2019 from http://www.eneuro.org/content/6/1/ENEURO.0284-18.2019?utm_source=Newsletter&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=MM_229